I looked down at my son and smiled to hide the grimace on my face while she repeated the words she had just said.

“No, seriously,” she continued, “this has been such a great experience – I think everyone should have to work with a difficult child sometime in their life.”

Ugh. There it was…again. Difficult child.

While I was fully aware she was trying to share a positive thought, I couldn’t help but get hung up on the fact she kept referring to my child as difficult. I call this a notliment. It’s not-a-compliment. Despite all the positive pieces of language she threw in the conversation regarding her time with my son, reading between the lines made the conversation sound like this: “Luckily, because your child behaves like such an orangutan, I’m learning a whoooolllllleeeee lot.”

Yup. That’s a notliment. (And an uncomfortable one, considering it was uttered in my son’s presence.)

“Gently,” I told myself. “Proceed gently.”

“You just tell her you’re a complex kid who has a lot to teach us,” I said lightly to my son with a smile on my face. He smiled back up at me.

“Yup, comp-ex,” he repeated.

“Exactly,” she replied.

Yes, exactly. Exactly what I said – which, I might add, was considerably more pleasant than what I would have preferred to say. But I know better.

A few years ago I was given an excellent piece of advice. I was told the best thing I could do for my child was to learn how to ‘gently educate’. I had actually received the guidance before my son was even born from a friend who was walking me through the steps of adoption. We were discussing a variety of hurtful, yet heartfelt pieces of input my husband and I were receiving from individuals observing our adoption journey. On a scale of one to ten, these well-meaning individuals had a collective adoption background of zero. Frustrated with the uninformed advice being tossed our way, I asked my experienced friend, “How?? How do you keep your cool??”

“By reminding myself it’s my job to teach them,” she answered. “Nobody knows an experience until they’ve experienced it – and adoption isn’t something most people are going to go through, so it’s up to us to provide the insight. But the key is to remember no one likes a know-it-all. You have to learn how to gently educate the world around you.”

Makes sense. Instead of becoming frustrated with ignorance and constantly telling people to ‘do their homework’, I had to actually become their homework. (And because nobody likes homework, I would have to be sneaky about it, doling out small assignments at a time.)

Well, here we are years later and this advice still holds. We’ve swapped out the word ‘adoption’ for ‘autism’ and continue to trudge forward with our ‘gentle education.’ And let me tell ya, it ain’t easy.

In fact, I would go so far as to say that ‘gentle education’ is a fine art. A very combustible fine art.

Trying to find a balance between kind subtleness and informative firmness is a tremendously difficult task – especially when it comes to your child. I would love to say the walls of my home were decorated with stories of ‘subtle successes’ – but I’m afraid this isn’t the case. In fact, our home is more of a metaphorical gallery of disasters in the way of gentle education. More times than I can count my ‘gentle’ delivery has been mistaken as aloof, setting the timer of a slowly ticking bomb. As the ‘notliments’ continue to pile up, my mommy-bomb starts ticking more quickly and before you know it, an unimaginable blast has professionals sifting through scattered paperwork and nursing ringing ears.

I’ll admit, I’m left feeling quite ashamed after those blow ups – but such is the life when you’re constantly trying to find balance on a broken scale. I’ve learned too gentle is unproductive, too firm is unapproachable and big blasts are hard to clean up. As with anything, though, we pick up the pieces and gently move on with the hopes that one day our son will no longer be viewed as a ‘difficult child’, but rather appreciated as highly intuitive, complex human being.

One night, while sitting at the dinner table with our family, I was discussing this concept with my husband, searching for suggestions on how to better handle some of less than lovely ‘notliments’ thrown our way. It had been a difficult day on the autism front, and the well-intentioned advice of others had left a painful mark on my heart. As the kids shovelled mashed potatoes into their mouths I said to my husband, “it’s so hard to find ways to tell people the words they’re using are hurtful without putting them on the defensive. How do I gently instigate progress without flat-out telling them they need to change?”

“Well mommy,” my son piped up. “It’s comp-ex.”

Through laughter and tears and choked-on potatoes, my husband and I reached across the table and gave our son a series of high-fives.

The Art of Gentle Education certainly is complex. But if our five year old with autism can grasp the notion, I suspect eventually the world will too.

News from Autism Edmonton

Welcoming Our New Executive Director

Thanking Our Outgoing Executive Director

Autism Edmonton’s 2016 Autism Awards – Call for Nominations

Autism Canada Update

The new amalgamated Autism Canada was thrilled to host our first face-to-face Provincial and Territorial Council meeting on November 27 and 28, 2015 in Toronto, Ontario. What emerged from these two days was an excitement to work together in a collaborative manner to expand best practices across the country. In this inaugural event, four key areas were identified as priorities: Advocacy, Fundraising, Outreach Programs and Operation/Governance. By sharing amongst our collective, we aim to improve services and supports coast to coast in a cost-effective and timely manner while developing and expanding our council membership. We are thrilled to be in a position to explore a National Fundraising Event and an Autism Acceptance and Awareness Event that each council member can take pride in.

Since our November meetings, Autism Canada has accepted over 30 applications from adults on the spectrum to join our ASD Advisory Committee. We have had a few conference call meetings to introduce several initiatives focused on bringing adults together to share their voice at the national level. We have launched ASD Central – Canada’s Online Forum for Adults on the Spectrum and already have a significant membership and several conversations engaged. More recently we have started planning our first adult autism conference. This is a truly unique event organized by adults on the spectrum, for adults on the spectrum. .

Laurie Mawlam, Autism Canada’s Executive Director, has been to several meetings to advance federal initiatives through her role as Board Member of the Canadian Autism Spectrum Disorders Alliance (CASDA) and as part of the Working Group Committee for the Canadian Autism Partnership (CAP). More details will be shared as information becomes available.

This year will prove to be another exciting one for Autism Canada as 2016 marks our 40th anniversary. We will take this time to reflect on the accomplishments, and carve our path for the future. Our substantial history brings great responsibility and we will continue to work on behalf of every Canadian living with autism and their families. Our reach has never been bigger. Our social media has expanded to over 23,000 likes, followers and subscribers. If you want to be a part of this conversation, please visit our website autismcanada.org to find out how.

When I read Candice Bowie’s article last month about David, it inspired me to write about Conor and the importance of sport and exercise in his life.

The right activity regulates him and this allows him to socialise with others. The wrong one results in frustrations, meltdowns and behaviours seeking that crash/bang sensation to press his ‘reset’ button.